The art of making friends
Watching Friendship Unfold
A chance encounter at an Airbnb on Bonfire Night sparked an unexpected connection. 🔥📸 What started as a shared meal and conversation turned into an idea—why not document the unfolding of a friendship online? 📝💌
Follow along as we navigate this modern-day pen pal experiment on Substack, proving that meaningful friendships can form in the most unexpected ways! 💫#Friendship #Serendipity #WritingCommunity #NewConnections
The Lost Art of Friendship: Navigating Connection in a Busy World
Friendship has been a tonic in my life. Having a group of faithful companions to build me up, encourage me, celebrate with me, and occasionally correct me has helped me grow as a person. Some have become like family, while others have been there for a season.
At 39, I’ve experienced several shifts in the trajectory of my life that have defined the art of making friends. I didn’t have social media until I was 21, so most of my friendships were formed the old-fashioned way—meeting in groups at school, living in the same neighbourhood, or befriending my sibling’s friend’s siblings. Then came university, where the melting pot of a new degree programme and a new city introduced me to people very different from myself. These friendships shaped me into adulthood.
In my 30s, a busy lifestyle—doctoral and postdoctoral research, marriage and divorce, re-entering the world of dating, co-parenting a seven-year-old while commuting to another city for work, and striving to maintain my sanity (which includes health and wellness)—has consumed much of my time. Yet, I love meeting new people. I am energised by the experience of getting to know someone and being known in return. I relish how each person you meet sparks new aspects of your personhood, and I firmly believe that friendships can lead you to your greatest adventures.
How do people make friends in the midst of everyday busy life? I’m certainly not the first to ask this question.
I have read several articles and seen many people asking that exact question in forums, magazine articles, and online newspapers. You may have come across headlines like:
"Why Is It So Hard to Make Friends After 30? I'm Struggling."
"I'm Lonely, in My 30s, and Finding It Very Hard to Make New Friends."
"Why Does Growing Up and Settling Down Mean Losing a Certain Closeness With Your Friends?"
To address this growing concern, apps like Bumble have encouraged online friendships, and friendship speed-dating events have emerged to help people connect and make new mates.
We live in a time very different from that of our elders. People are often scattered, living far from their hometowns or cities, and loneliness has now been declared a public health concern by the World Health Organisation. We are all familiar with the Loneliness Paradox—the idea that although people are more connected than ever through technology, they also feel more disconnected and lonely.
Underscoring this grave reality, the health risks of loneliness have been likened to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day and are considered even greater than those associated with obesity and physical inactivity, according to the U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy. Given this situation, one starts to wonder: Have we lost the art of making friends?
How do you make friends? If you want to, being open to the possibility is paramount. That means being curious about the chemistry you might have with a stranger or taking an interest in the people whose lives intersect with your own.
In a nutshell, you have to initiate, invest, and, I suppose, accept the possibility that it might not work out. However, sometimes, you do meet a kindred spirit who is also willing to give a new friendship a chance!
Strangers to Pen Pals: A Chance Encounter, a Shared Passion, and the Birth of a Digital Friendship
Charlie (me) meets Alice Rizzo. Strangers to one another, we serendipitously crossed paths while staying at the same Airbnb during a visit to Lewes for Bonfire Night. Lewes’s Bonfire Night is famous for its political effigies, roaring fires, and fireworks that illuminate the sky for a generous amount of time. It is also celebrated for its commitment to keeping tradition alive. I was experiencing it for the second time, accompanied by my Lewesian friend Kate, who also happened to be my Airbnb host. Upon arrival, I learned that another guest, a girl named Alice, would be staying the night. A journalist and photographer, she was there to capture the event through her own lens. Since the festivities didn’t truly begin until after 6 p.m., Kate and I invited Alice to join us for dinner. The three of us sat together around a lit fire, the room aglow with low lighting and a bottle of Malbec—an evening of good company, conversation, and chilli con carne.
Over dinner, I learn that Alice has a Substack dedicated to friendship. I am immediately fascinated, as this is a mutual interest of mine. I take her Substack handle and promise to read her work. On meeting Alice, I quickly sense her zest for life and, like me, her passion for writing. On the eve of the American election, our chance encounter offers a glimmer of hope—that while the world may change with political transitions and the uncertainties they bring, the joy of unexpected human connection remains unshaken. After the festivities end, we stay up watching the political narrative of "Make America Great Again" unfold. Around 2 a.m., sleep calls, and with our respective schedules, we don’t get the chance to meet again in the morning. I do, however, read Alice’s Substack—and it makes me laugh. Her writing style is engaging, and her reflections on friendship are both insightful and thought-provoking. Our brief encounter leaves me intrigued enough to wonder if we could build a friendship. But we live in different cities, and while I visit London from time to time, forming a real friendship requires effort and investment.
Then, an idea strikes me—what if we become friends online, like modern-day pen pals? We both love writing, and given that making friends is a challenge for many, we could actively demonstrate how it’s done! I pitch the idea to Alice, and she’s up for it! We decided that Substack will be our platform for this epistolary exchange… Why not offer this to ourselves and anyone who might be intrigued how this friendship unravels!